after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize