I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Randomize
