Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
