32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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