if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Randomize
