HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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