I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize