and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
