Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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