Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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