12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
