The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
