and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
