i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i drank out of a bidet.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
