Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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