Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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