"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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