I will die if light touches me.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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