How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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