Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
