Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
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