Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
