My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
