My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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