guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
