Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
