you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
