can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
