She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
