the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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