dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
