Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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