Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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