I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
