he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
