did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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