You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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