Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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