You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
