Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
