life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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