just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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