The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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