2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
