When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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