i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
