Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
