im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
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