I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
