so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
