3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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