I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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