She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
