Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
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