Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
