I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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