areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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